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LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA 12-26-07
Local cable access channel, REAL LIFE NETWORK, recently announced its switch to a completely reality based programming schedule due to the crippling writer's strike which has halted all of Tinseltown in the past few months. The flagship of their new lineup is the self-help type of talkshow, "Help Me Help You" hosted by infamous former sports agent Jerry Maguire.

Maguire gained notoriety back in 1996 when his unorthodox relationship with start Arizona Cardinals wide receiver Rod Tidwell became one of football's strangest stories. According to anonymous sources, shortly after Maguire had been terminated by BMI, one of the industries biggest agencies, he began a relentless pursuit to keep his position as Tidwell's agent. Under the guise of "personal attention" Maguire did everything from attending the birth of Tidwell's daughter Katie, to having Tidwell serve as best man in his own wedding.

NFL officials investigated Maguire's behavior, as it seemed to be in contradiction to the league's specific guidelines concerning player and agent interaction. An internal investigation found Maguire's behavior was "probably outside the bounds of league accepted behavior, not to mention more than a little pathetic" but little to no action was taken as Maguire resigned from the industry shortly thereafter.

Since leaving the sports industry, Maguire went through a series of personal downfalls including losing part of his thumb in a skeet shooting accident, being involved in a nasty paternity fight with his former fiance Avery Brooks, and an eventual divorce from his former wife, Dorothy Boyd-Maguire. When contacted about Maguire's impending move to television, the former Mrs. Maguire responded, "Jerry? Talking about other people's feelings? The one thing that man doesn't know a damn thing about is feelings. Well, that and postpartum depression."

While REAL LIFE executives maintain that they believe wholeheartedly in the new show, sources within the network claim that several studio heads are hanging their careers on Maguire's likable. "If Jerry tanks, he could very well take the network with him. It's not an exaggeration to say that all of our fates hang in the balance." These same sources declined to comment on Maguire's recent stay in Promises Rehabilitation Facility to kick a reported "massive cocaine addiction".

"Help Me Help You" premieres this March at 3 PM on Cable Channel 7.

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ST. CLOUD, MN 12-27-07
With the legacies of tainted sports figures quickly becoming the stuff of legend, and Barry Bonds and Roger Clemens constantly dodging questions of "enhancements" to their game, yet another report of performance enhancing has come to national attention. Coming out of the tiny Minneapolis suburb of St. Cloud, Minnesota subpoenas are being issued today about an alleged scandal dating back from an inner city pee wee hockey league in 1992.

Fans of the league remember the '92 season as a stunner when the newly minted "Ducks" (formerly known as District 5) defeated the long-standing champion "Hawks" in the final championship game. Followers of the teams said the "David and well... slightly larger David" story was captivating to everyone following it, and that it had a good feeling to it. Because of the incredible victory by a relatively unknown team, pee wee hockey enrollment rose to record levels the following season, and several players of the original team have gone on to have lucrative deals as motivational speakers on the national circuit.

But County Prosecutors waded in late yesterday to file a motion claiming that the team engaged in a variety of activities including steroid abuse, bribing of officials, and according to the father of two of the players, an organized cheating strategy. Apparently, former lawyer Gordon Bombay, the coach of the Ducks, was the mastermind of the winning season, and a hero to the families of the players. But a closer inspection of Bombay's record shows an uncaring loner who only took the position in order to avoid jail time stemming from a drunk driving arrest. In addition, it was widely rumored that Bombay had an illicit affair with the indigent single mother of one of his players; a charge that has neither been sufficiently confirmed nor denied. In response, several of the players families have brought suit against the league for not comprehensively evaluating Bombay's past.

Gail Reilly, widow of former Hawks coach Jack Rielly, has commented frequently on how Bombay's actions have affected her life. "Gordon and Jack were close when he played for the Hawks, but after Gordon blew that ridiculously easy penalty shot back in '72, he just became a different person." Mrs. Reilly contends that Bombay's life quickly slid into a quagmire of drug and alcohol abuse. In addition, she says that Bombay would continue to taunt her ailing husband. "I'm not surprised at all by these accusations. During the '92 season, Gordon cornered Jack at the rink and threatened him. He told him that his team was going to win or else!" When pressed about what "or else" could mean, Mrs. Reilly began weeping about what she called "Jack's little problem." It is believed that she is referring to the former coach's being indicted for possession of an illegal substance. He was caught in the local hockey rink's locker room with over seven grams of cocaine. Coach Reilly's former attorney, Gerlad Ducksworth, claimed a setup over the entire scenario stating, "Coach Reilly would have never used such a drug, it would have counter-acted his alcohol abuse."

One of Bombay's former star players, Charlie Banks went on record defending his former coach. "The accusations are as false as they are ridiculous. Coach Bombay was a wonderful friend and mentor to all of us during that time, and it is not right to taint the reputation of such a person. I'm where I am today because of that man." Mr. Banks is currently serving a four year sentence in federal prison for child pornography charges.

Calls to the Prosecutor's office have not been returned.

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CHICAGO, IL 12-26-2007
Reports are coming in this morning that Cook County Prosecutors have filed criminal negligence charges against an upper class family from a Chicago suburb, stemming from an alleged abandonment case from 1990. Apparently, Peter and Kate McCallister once confessed to leaving for the airport for Christmas vacation and "forgetting" their youngest son Kevin. If proven true, Child Protective Services say that the McCallisters could serve a "substantial amount of time, seeing as... well, anyone who leaves a kid behind is, you know... the text book definition of negligent."

Although many of those contacted in connection with this case contend that the entire episode was a relatively minor inconvenience and that it actually brought the family closer together, other reports indicate that this was just one more incident that showed exactly how strained this family's interaction had become. One family member in particular, Frank McCallister, said that the young Kevin, "had been nothing but a problem since he was born, especially around the holidays. His treatment of my youngest son Fuller led to several dietary and emotional problems that plague our family to this day."

Stemming from this incident, Kate McCallister was party to a lawsuit after threatening an airline clerk in the Scranton International Airport. She was accused of using "threatening language" and indirectly soliciting herself in order to secure a seat on a plane. Afterwards, the clerk alleges that she disappeared with "some musician" after striking some sort of deal with him. Said the clerk, "I've seen a prostitution deal before, and I know what that was." McCallister has repeatedly denied that she traded sexual favors in order to secure a ride from Scranton to Chicago with a polka band; although in Accordions Blazin': the Unauthorized Biography of Polka Legend Gus Polinski several members of Polinski's band maintain that "there was a definite arrangement. Gus talked often about how easy that particular conquest was."

Paroled former convicts Harry Lime and Marv Weinberg, who were the subject of a recent 60 minutes special about the effects of waterboarding in elementary schools, have repeatedly insisted that they were simply trying to perform Christmas carols at the McCallisters home on Christmas eve in 1990. "For some reason, that kid started doing awful things to us," said Harry who apparently speaks for Marv. "We just wanted to spread Christmas cheer, instead we went to federal prison." The duo now counsels inner-city youths that have been unfortunately relocated to the suburbs.

The McCallisters, who had not spoken to the press since this began, finally issued a statement through their attorneys pleading for, "patience and respect during this difficult time. We are just an average American family, with average American problems. Please don't judge us on this alone."

Initial proceedings are sent to begin after the first of the year.

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DES MOINES, IOWA
Local resident Ray Cansella was arrested at a local area Walmart last night for inciting a riot after he was informed that the mega-retailer was closing. Security officers attempted to pacify the former farmer, but had to call in the local police after Cansella became violent.

Cansella, who gained notoriety back in 1989 for apparently plowing up a section of his corn field and constructing a baseball field in its place, has been a prominent fixture in local news recently. While insisting that he was instructed to build his field by a voice in the wind, Cansella went on to be indicted by a grand jury for tax evasion in connection with the local attraction. The indictment was overturned for lack of evidence, although county officials claim Cansella, "totally scammed the county with 'popcorn promises' and some fancy double-talk." Following his release, Cansella attempted a failed bid for the White House, in what some called a peculiar move, as he began campaigning in 1993, just sixteen weeks after Bill Clinton took office for his first term.

Cansella's estranged wife Annie, who has been residing in a monitored group home since 1992, was unavailable for comment, as her condition forbids her from speaking to strangers. She was diagnosed with "rabid bitchiness" shortly after the baseball field was constructed, and had to be committed after an apparent balloon popping incident involving a late night hotel room and five men that she claims were the starting lineup for the '37 Sox. The men's identities could neither be confirmed nor denied.

Author Terrance Mann, who has been considered missing since 1989 after a road trip with Cansella from Boston to Iowa, reportedly sent a letter to local authorities advocating leniency for Cansella in the wake of his arrest. Local authorities doubt authorship however, as the letter reportedly came from a Pulitzer Prize winning author but was, "riddled with typos." Mann has still not been contacted for verification.

Cansella is still being held for questioning at this time. He was found in the shoe department, tossing baseball cleats into the air and screaming repeatedly, "not good enough!" After he was subdued, he told police that his "special friend" Shoeless Joe Jackson had grown tired of the moniker and was looking to become known as "The Very Much Shoed Joe Jackson." Cansella was reportedly hauled into the police cruiser pleading his case to the crowd that had gathered outside.

"Frankly," Cansella told reporters, "he just needed some (expletive deleted) shoes."