*********NEWSFLASH************

CHICAGO, IL 12-26-2007
Reports are coming in this morning that Cook County Prosecutors have filed criminal negligence charges against an upper class family from a Chicago suburb, stemming from an alleged abandonment case from 1990. Apparently, Peter and Kate McCallister once confessed to leaving for the airport for Christmas vacation and "forgetting" their youngest son Kevin. If proven true, Child Protective Services say that the McCallisters could serve a "substantial amount of time, seeing as... well, anyone who leaves a kid behind is, you know... the text book definition of negligent."

Although many of those contacted in connection with this case contend that the entire episode was a relatively minor inconvenience and that it actually brought the family closer together, other reports indicate that this was just one more incident that showed exactly how strained this family's interaction had become. One family member in particular, Frank McCallister, said that the young Kevin, "had been nothing but a problem since he was born, especially around the holidays. His treatment of my youngest son Fuller led to several dietary and emotional problems that plague our family to this day."

Stemming from this incident, Kate McCallister was party to a lawsuit after threatening an airline clerk in the Scranton International Airport. She was accused of using "threatening language" and indirectly soliciting herself in order to secure a seat on a plane. Afterwards, the clerk alleges that she disappeared with "some musician" after striking some sort of deal with him. Said the clerk, "I've seen a prostitution deal before, and I know what that was." McCallister has repeatedly denied that she traded sexual favors in order to secure a ride from Scranton to Chicago with a polka band; although in Accordions Blazin': the Unauthorized Biography of Polka Legend Gus Polinski several members of Polinski's band maintain that "there was a definite arrangement. Gus talked often about how easy that particular conquest was."

Paroled former convicts Harry Lime and Marv Weinberg, who were the subject of a recent 60 minutes special about the effects of waterboarding in elementary schools, have repeatedly insisted that they were simply trying to perform Christmas carols at the McCallisters home on Christmas eve in 1990. "For some reason, that kid started doing awful things to us," said Harry who apparently speaks for Marv. "We just wanted to spread Christmas cheer, instead we went to federal prison." The duo now counsels inner-city youths that have been unfortunately relocated to the suburbs.

The McCallisters, who had not spoken to the press since this began, finally issued a statement through their attorneys pleading for, "patience and respect during this difficult time. We are just an average American family, with average American problems. Please don't judge us on this alone."

Initial proceedings are sent to begin after the first of the year.