*********NEWSFLASH************

DES MOINES, IOWA
Local resident Ray Cansella was arrested at a local area Walmart last night for inciting a riot after he was informed that the mega-retailer was closing. Security officers attempted to pacify the former farmer, but had to call in the local police after Cansella became violent.

Cansella, who gained notoriety back in 1989 for apparently plowing up a section of his corn field and constructing a baseball field in its place, has been a prominent fixture in local news recently. While insisting that he was instructed to build his field by a voice in the wind, Cansella went on to be indicted by a grand jury for tax evasion in connection with the local attraction. The indictment was overturned for lack of evidence, although county officials claim Cansella, "totally scammed the county with 'popcorn promises' and some fancy double-talk." Following his release, Cansella attempted a failed bid for the White House, in what some called a peculiar move, as he began campaigning in 1993, just sixteen weeks after Bill Clinton took office for his first term.

Cansella's estranged wife Annie, who has been residing in a monitored group home since 1992, was unavailable for comment, as her condition forbids her from speaking to strangers. She was diagnosed with "rabid bitchiness" shortly after the baseball field was constructed, and had to be committed after an apparent balloon popping incident involving a late night hotel room and five men that she claims were the starting lineup for the '37 Sox. The men's identities could neither be confirmed nor denied.

Author Terrance Mann, who has been considered missing since 1989 after a road trip with Cansella from Boston to Iowa, reportedly sent a letter to local authorities advocating leniency for Cansella in the wake of his arrest. Local authorities doubt authorship however, as the letter reportedly came from a Pulitzer Prize winning author but was, "riddled with typos." Mann has still not been contacted for verification.

Cansella is still being held for questioning at this time. He was found in the shoe department, tossing baseball cleats into the air and screaming repeatedly, "not good enough!" After he was subdued, he told police that his "special friend" Shoeless Joe Jackson had grown tired of the moniker and was looking to become known as "The Very Much Shoed Joe Jackson." Cansella was reportedly hauled into the police cruiser pleading his case to the crowd that had gathered outside.

"Frankly," Cansella told reporters, "he just needed some (expletive deleted) shoes."